Desserts, delicious and funny

I know that all of the previous posts have been about shenanigans from Jr High or High School, but here’s a more recent one for you. About 10 years ago there was a hardcore show happening in NJ. I don’t even remember who was playing, but it had to be someone we knew because I thought it would be cool to have a BBQ before the show. I proposed the idea to Geoff (basically saying that HE should have the BBQ since the show was near his house). He gave his usual non-committal answer but basically agreed. This couldn’t be a last minute thing because we had to plan the menu, spread the word, and just get shit ready.

For a few years we had talked about getting a sheet ice cream cake from Thomas Sweet in New Brunswick, and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity. About 2 weeks before the party I ordered the cake – which fed 40 people and cost $85. It was a blend in cake - half vanilla/half chocolate with Oreos and Kit-Kats blended into the ice cream. A few days before the show I call Geoff to confirm everything and he tells me he’s not into having a BBQ and it’s off. I’m beyond pissed at this point, not the least of which because I already ordered an $85 cake.

The day of the show comes and I’m so mad I don’t even go; instead I get Bill to go with me to get the cake. When I pick it up they ask if I want anything written on the cake, out of sheer anger I say, “Can you write Fuck Geoff on it?” The teenager working the counter is a little confused but says, “Yeah, if that’s really what you want.” So we head back to Bill’s with a giant ice cream cake. Porter and McVey meet us at Bill’s to begin eating the cake, so at this point we have 4 people eating a cake that feeds 40. The cake was great, with the Oreos and Kit-Kat blended in it made the cake as dense as concrete. While wondering around in a sugar coma we realized that we had a problem: what to do with the cake? Both Porter and I lived 30 min away; the cake would never make the ride. The only choice was to keep the cake at Bill’s. However, Bill’s freezer was filled with food and there was no room. The only solution was to throw out Bill’s food and replace it with the cake. Problem solved.

Things seemed to be going ok; the next weekend we gathered at Bill’s and ate more of the cake. Problem was we were barely putting a dent in it, and Bill’s wife was getting increasingly agitated with having a giant cake taking up the whole freezer. Bill started calling me up on week nights saying I had to come down to eat more of the cake. If I protested he’d threaten to throw the cake out his back door off his deck, what could I do? So for the next 2 weeks I’d drive down to Bill’s 2 or 3 times a week to try to eat as much of the cake as I could, each trip becoming more and more agonizing as the cake got more and more freezer burned. Finally, after 3 weeks and the cake down to the size of a sheet of paper it was over. As I left Bill’s house one Wednesday night he reached his breaking point and threw the cake off of his deck at me. It missed, but the point was made, he’d had enough of this albatross in his freezer.

While this was the end of the cake, it wasn’t the end of novelty desserts for me. Like the time I went to our softball team BBQ and brought a giant 2 foot high cake from Harold’s, or the time I went to a hardcore show in the Boston area and presented the kid who put on the show with a giant novelty cookie from those mall stores that said, “This show sucks”.

The not so secret shitter

As much as you love your friends, occasionally you’re going to have some beef. One of the biggest sources of beef is girlfriends/wives. The reason it’s such an issue? You can’t do anything about it unless you’re willing to ruin the friendship. I guess the rule of thumb is that you can only raise your objection when it’s not a serious relationship. After it crosses that imaginary line you just have to shut your mouth, sit back, and hope for the best - unless, of course, you have another idea.

Our buddy Al started dating this girl in high school and I’d say that it was some what serious by high school standards. To be honest, I never had much interaction with her so it wasn’t any kind of issue for me. However, our other buddy Dave just really didn’t like this girl (could have been because they dated briefly). We tried to keep the two apart, and that was generally successful, however, there were times at parties or hanging out where we’d be drinking and the tension got a bit uncomfortable.

I guess this tension built for a few months until it came to a boil. I’m not sure if there was a catalyst, but it reached a breaking point on one faithful night. This girl really liked wine coolers – if you don’t remember wine coolers, they were big for a few years in the mid 80’s (Bartels and James and Calvin Coolers were two popular brands) especially with girls. So whenever we had a party we had to make sure someone got wine coolers for this girl. Anyway, that night Dave decided to empty the contents of one of the bottles and piss in it. He did a good job replacing the cap and once it was back in the fridge it was tough to tell on sight that any foul play was afoot. Well, the night continued and eventually we got to the fateful moment when this girl picked the wrong bottle. (Editor’s note – this is how I think it happened, but my memory could be totally off) I think she knew what was up immediately and ran out of the room crying. Al went after her and I can only assume that she told Al what she suspected. Al came back and was pretty pissed off, but Dave held his ground. It’s a tough position to be in, we had all been friends since the 6^th grade, so by the time the end of high school came around you had to think that your buddy would side with his friends over a girl. But it’s never an easy position to be in.

They yelled at each other for a few minutes and eventually Dave just decided to leave to defuse the situation. Or so we thought…Dave is a great friend, but a terrible enemy. The night went on (uncomfortably) and at some point we all left and thought that was the end of it. You see, something else happened that night, something that wasn’t fully reveled until the next day. Dave didn’t just leave, he prepared for surgery. Al’s driveway was long and angled down out of site from everything. This girl had an old Chrysler convertible, if you remember many Dodge/Chryslers back then had these covered door handles – the kind you’d reach your fingers under and pull up on the handle to open. Somehow, somewhere Dave found rubber gloves and a spackle knife. He then proceeded to take a shit on the ground and go to work. He molded the shit perfectly under the driver’s side door handle as if he were Michael Angelo working with clay. By the time he was done it was undetectable.

The next morning came and as the girl left to go home she undoubtedly got a handful when she reached to open her car door. I don’t remember much fallout from that episode; the damage had already been done. Eventually Al and this girl broke up, so any tension faded. That is until a few years later and another “episode”...