Desserts, delicious and funny

I know that all of the previous posts have been about shenanigans from Jr High or High School, but here’s a more recent one for you. About 10 years ago there was a hardcore show happening in NJ. I don’t even remember who was playing, but it had to be someone we knew because I thought it would be cool to have a BBQ before the show. I proposed the idea to Geoff (basically saying that HE should have the BBQ since the show was near his house). He gave his usual non-committal answer but basically agreed. This couldn’t be a last minute thing because we had to plan the menu, spread the word, and just get shit ready.

For a few years we had talked about getting a sheet ice cream cake from Thomas Sweet in New Brunswick, and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity. About 2 weeks before the party I ordered the cake – which fed 40 people and cost $85. It was a blend in cake - half vanilla/half chocolate with Oreos and Kit-Kats blended into the ice cream. A few days before the show I call Geoff to confirm everything and he tells me he’s not into having a BBQ and it’s off. I’m beyond pissed at this point, not the least of which because I already ordered an $85 cake.

The day of the show comes and I’m so mad I don’t even go; instead I get Bill to go with me to get the cake. When I pick it up they ask if I want anything written on the cake, out of sheer anger I say, “Can you write Fuck Geoff on it?” The teenager working the counter is a little confused but says, “Yeah, if that’s really what you want.” So we head back to Bill’s with a giant ice cream cake. Porter and McVey meet us at Bill’s to begin eating the cake, so at this point we have 4 people eating a cake that feeds 40. The cake was great, with the Oreos and Kit-Kat blended in it made the cake as dense as concrete. While wondering around in a sugar coma we realized that we had a problem: what to do with the cake? Both Porter and I lived 30 min away; the cake would never make the ride. The only choice was to keep the cake at Bill’s. However, Bill’s freezer was filled with food and there was no room. The only solution was to throw out Bill’s food and replace it with the cake. Problem solved.

Things seemed to be going ok; the next weekend we gathered at Bill’s and ate more of the cake. Problem was we were barely putting a dent in it, and Bill’s wife was getting increasingly agitated with having a giant cake taking up the whole freezer. Bill started calling me up on week nights saying I had to come down to eat more of the cake. If I protested he’d threaten to throw the cake out his back door off his deck, what could I do? So for the next 2 weeks I’d drive down to Bill’s 2 or 3 times a week to try to eat as much of the cake as I could, each trip becoming more and more agonizing as the cake got more and more freezer burned. Finally, after 3 weeks and the cake down to the size of a sheet of paper it was over. As I left Bill’s house one Wednesday night he reached his breaking point and threw the cake off of his deck at me. It missed, but the point was made, he’d had enough of this albatross in his freezer.

While this was the end of the cake, it wasn’t the end of novelty desserts for me. Like the time I went to our softball team BBQ and brought a giant 2 foot high cake from Harold’s, or the time I went to a hardcore show in the Boston area and presented the kid who put on the show with a giant novelty cookie from those mall stores that said, “This show sucks”.